Denial of Thoughts

I used to think, when I was young, that I was adopted. I knew there are thousands of others who thought like me. I pretend that there’s something special for me to be here, this world. I really used to think why ppl, parents r d ppl 2 me, love me so much. They want something? I haven’t realized it till now.

I was told and believed I can be anything I wanted to be. But I chose to be like the way I am now.

My folks were brought up differently from me n my generation. Things were really hard then. They dint had anything at all, they were living by chance. I sure thought of the same with me, but. Just thinking about their life then, the first thing I can come up with is that they cant type away things like im doin right now in the middle of the night through click of a hand. They couldn’t push a button n come up with another dimension of existence that can open edit save n publish stuffs.

I was in pain all the time. I always felt I had something in me. A heap of disgust against people, to be away from social life and gatherings. I really hated going out with anyone, to be frank I hated crowd. But to the contrast of it I truly love lone trips to places I neva knew or been.

I wanted to fit in someplace, not the popular group. Yeah troublemakers, well not really, even if I dint make a trouble I always had that Menace patch on my head. I sympathize those and eventually I ended up in company of those who were backed off and had really really hatred attitude.

I had many many ambitions when I was a kid. I wanted to be Rocket scientist, policeman, a pilot (whenever I saw an airplane in d skies), a cricket player just like Sachin Tendulkar, a dancer just like Michael Jackson or Prabhu Deva. Then I certainly thought of something else. I don’t know it kept on coming and coming, never had a chance to stick to one goal. I always wanted to keep myself away from others. There weren’t much of values or perspectives in me. I couldn’t think or act straight. I was always in a position to find the difference between wrong n right. Yeah you got it that right.. WRONG n RIGHT. Not right n wrong, that defines me, first thing comes into me will be the wrong side of life. I was caught up in between all the time. Caught up in between right n wrong…. ;)

 

 

I was relentlessly planted from place to place throughout my childhood, thru out Kerala, since my dad was working in this bank and he had to switch places every 3 years. Well its kind of a zone in 6 years, 3 years in a place. Because of the transfer issue I was born in Manjeri, Malapurram District. Dad always says this heh its quite funny though “the place doesn’t matter, eventhough Kunchu was officially born at Manjeri, he is really from Alapy” Kunchu is me for dad, kuttypisash for ammus. Any ways dads comment or it’s a fact idk, gets me a smile on my face whenever he says those. Then Brought up in Alapy, studies, KG schooling throughout the capital TVM, Kottayam, EKM. I couldn’t have a group or gang or something I could say my best buddy throughout my entire life. As soon as some relationship took root in a place I was plucked n put to an totally @#$%$#@ new atmosphere. Maybe this is the reason why I hate people. I developed a new attitude towards life. I had no feelings, stupidest as I could be, always with a @#$# you attitude.

 

 

While I was in highschool I eventually used to bunk class n roam the capital city n just keep on walking and take tickets n keep on sitting on private bus around places. I wasn’t doing this coz no one took me to places. Dad ammus me and bro always had outings. I remember dad n ammus taking us to Kowdiar n other places on all weekends. That was something completely different to me, sitting in front of the Bike… dad drives, bro sitting in the middle b/w dad n ammus. I could see everything, I felt like “im d king of d world” , I check other vehicles on road, note down the number, all these when I was 6 or 8 at that time. Well there’s this thing that until I turned 4 or 5 the one on the tank of bike was my bro. Then I took over as the pilot, bro did have envy on me then, but he is the sweetest n loving bro in the world I say. There was never a conflict between him n me. Few times we had fight on something. He always took care of me, but at times he used to stand apart from me at school, now I know why he did that. That sometimes one have to do n deal things to learn. He knew that then, I dint. He taught me to mingle with others at highschool. My friends’ circle was his friends.

 

I always decorated my room tastefully. If it was Sachin’s poster when I was young, as I grew older things got more complicated. Pictures and cut outs of babies, Football posters, things that amused me, Greeting cards, collectables, toys and others stuffs  I wished when I was young, for instance that small kerosene bottle like stuff we get with Jeeraka Mittayi. I got lots of collectables now, I cherish every moment that made a simper on me of its memory,my m/y banks full of em. Not complicated right, for me they are.

The reason I did all those wasn’t that they made me happy. I just do things, I do everything, only backline is that I do it my way.

I had this imaginary hatred towards people, but I never showed em up. But my ammus really had a hard time taking care of me. I always yelled at her, she knew me more than anyone else and that is the only reason she still loves me, if it was any other mother, would ve killed me by now.

I always thought someone is watching me every second of my life, not god for sure. We have a really really old issue dating back to the second I was born. I believe there is god and I absolutely hate that guy/gul (at times).




I think what I was doing or I was trying to do may have to think about what others were doing in my age. I mean there was lot of things I wanted to do. Everything amused me and so I hate easily amused people now.

I really dint liked to hangout, I started listening to those others don’t want to listen, I wanted to be something totally unrealistic. Always walking n feeling like I was on drugs or something, the whole summer holidays was like the depressing things I had. I was so bored n so $%#@ing filled with hatred every day. I walked n thought of things, I remember myself imitating piano keystrokes on my way home from school. Just to get attention when I was in a crowd, but it wasn’t that. When I walked down the alley alone I did the same. I really had some taste in the highs n lows of variations in thin air. I never had the idea of what I was doing. But I took to this guitar n strings n music I had something, but I never let myself into those. Like everything else I discontinued the music and my new ambitions half way on the road. I got changed to punk style when I was 16. It’s normal for kids of my age huh. Not really, I couldn’t take notes n revise then forward look at the topics I had to study which I did n had a nerdo tag on me, I stopped doing those. Because I considered life to be something beautifully desperate and I intended not wasting it.

I was not allowed to be funny. I don’t really show any sense of humor, I think I dint had any and I can’t make people laugh. I copied from others, if I saw someone with a good level of humor I fell for em. Its quite natural, 99% people do that. That’s why I wanted to be someone of my own, individuality. But I think nothing turned up right. Still I live in my own pit of bullshit. Even though I know things are like that im a jerk at times and pretty much sarcastic, I keep on being like that. One second im a jerk, the next I would be caring. I don’t know, I am always pissed off at things. Everyone thinks of me like a bad negative black emotional thing, I like to have fun all the time but couldn’t reach to what I think I was doing. Things got to point where I actually had to look at myself and maybe figure out what people are seeing. Anyways I don’t give a damn to what others think n say of me.

I had a bit of affection for people more than hating them, I thought that they too had %$#@ed up situations like mine. I sounded like a lot of denial in my thoughts. I knew that eventually I had to stop thinking about everything and anything I saw. I used it basically as a time killer, to go back n see things myself, my thoughts. Thoughts will $%@# you up sometimes. I got influenced by insomniacs, but on the other side I would ve lost everything. I kept myself awake.

Still I liked to be in that long deep sleep that I would never wake up. Not death, something near to it still hangs in there. Not to see or hear things around me, only the thoughts and me. Say be unpredictable..

Some days I probably felt a little paranoid than usual. Over these years I have developed a real relationship with friends, actually have some real friends. It’s better for me probably because its really hard to convince my parents that I don’t like being in the world. I cant make them sad. I tried, all the time, sometimes I hit the spot.. sometimes I dint. I finally thought about it and carried on with the way things are. All I see is assholes and morons around me.


Everything I used to talk is because of my mom and dad. They are everything for me. They are the reason I came to this world. I really don’t think I cant tag up with the people around me the rest of my life.

Now about the all the other plastic people around me in this world ‘we’ say that’s ours forever. How long will all they think that they will last forever. Its this the point to where I don’t care about anything and $#@%ing not deal with things. People $#@# up with the time, they want to lie about, they want dirt. I cant help with those kind, I felt like I should beat them to death. I just don’t understand, im a firm believer in myself, there’s a time and place for everything, obviously I cant do it coz I don’t believe that I have nothing to lose.

You do other things with your life, you are a person that obviously going out of others story, making up lines about their story in life. No matter what we do, how clean we are, we are offended with it. I might just keep going…

Whatever was special to me aint with me anymore.

What else could I write; I don't have a right because theres so much left, or may be….

Thanks to my dad, ammus, mythettan, my friends esp my special four n my soul star Kurt n all those things dat amused me.

*Denial of thoughts… * for me thoughts are reality ….